Ashes from the wood stove filling up the bucket Spilling out the top, so where am I gonna chuck it? Take it out the back door to where I never mow Find a little spot that no one’ll ever go to Take it out back and dump it in the river Take it out back and throw it in the woods Take it out back and chuck it down the hillside Keep the front yard looking good That old tv - it quit on me brother Ten years ago - I got me another First one’s sitting out by the porch swing With the fridge and the stove and a bunch of other things Take it out back and dump it in the river Take it out back and throw it in the woods Take it out back and chuck it down the hillside Keep the front yard looking good That rusty old car - it’s got no motor If it had any gas I’d try to explode her Hubcaps, hoods, and old transmissions Take ‘em to the river - gonna make for good fishing Take it out back and dump it in the river Take it out back and throw it in the woods Take it out back and chuck it down the hillside Keep the front yard looking good The food in the fridge - it’s all turned green And the chicken bones that have been picked clean Some on the counter - some on the floor Let’s take ‘em out the back door Take it out back and dump it in the river Take it out back and throw it in the woods Take it out back and chuck it down the hillside Keep the front yard looking good

The boys in the back room Who use to run the city Anyway they wanted to They were stealing from the kitty Stomping out their cigars Any place they wanted to What you could go to jail for They could do in front of you The boys in the back room Sat on the commissions That were supposed to regulate Factory emissions Toxins in the air Toxins in the water These were our protectors They were sanctioning the slaughter The boys in the back room Didn’t like attention Drawn to their activities Which the paper never mentioned Thanks to the editor Who was a good ol’ friend of theirs’ So was the police chief And also the developers The boys in the back room Went golfing every Sunday They had a game of pinochle That happened every Monday Tuesdays were the meetings Where the public was invited Where they went through all the motions But no wrongs were ever righted The boys in the back room On Wednesdays traded favors They had a secret handshake And other such behavior They fixed traffic tickets Granted exemptions and waivers Awarded city contracts To associates and neighbors The boys in the back room Were desperate to hold on Assassinating characters Of whoever might’ve told on them But the day did finally come When they stood before a jury Some were sent to prison It was a one paragraph story The boys in the back room Who just used to make the rules Any way they wanted to They thought they still had the people fooled

His uniform was baggy - he had gigantic feet His hat was always cock-eyed & he had but a few teeth And a schnozz as big as Baltimore - and a heart as big as Devon Max Patkin made the children laugh - and for that he’s gone to Heaven Max Patkin, he was Vaudeville - last of the old time clowns Funniest looking fellow - that ever went from town to town With the kind of face that he himself said - only a mother could love With his loosey-goosey limbs - and his floppy leather glove Max Patkin worked 3 innings - they let him coach first base He’d call a meeting with the batter - and then kiss him on the face Then he’d do his chicken walk - and then his geyser bit Where he’d take a sip of soda - tilt his head back and spit Max would leave ‘em howling - then be slumped upon his stool With his back against a locker - filling the whirlpool Dirtied up and sweaty - down to his stockinged feet He’d give the clubhouse boy 5 dollars - to scrape the mud off of his cleats The Clown Prince of Baseball - did 5,000 gigs For 50 years he shared the bill - with circus dogs & talking pigs And by the 9th inning - he’d be back at the motel With an early morning wake-up call - and the next night he’d be someplace else The towels in every motel room - they all smell like chlorine From the Rookie Leagues to Triple A - and all points in between And all those hotshot prospects - who ever were Big League bound He saw ‘em on the way up - and some on the way back down Oh, to be a clown these days - you’ve got to have thick skin A flask in your back pocket - or a bottle of aspirin The drunks sometimes’ll getcha - or the team that did not win It’s tough to be a clown these days - you’ve got to have thick skin Max Patkin loved the children - and the children, they loved him His body would fall apart sometimes - but he’d patch it up for them He never, ever, not even one time - sold an autograph A funny man, Max Patkin - he made people laugh The times changed on Max Patkin - along came Rock & Roll They blare it from the speakers now - if ever there’s a lull And some guy in a chicken suit - is circling the bases With a corporate logo on his back - and in 1 or 2 other places If there’s a St. Peter - sitting at the gate He probably saw Max play sometime - and wiped clean Max’s slate That corny old routine - dated back to 1947 Max Patkin made the children laugh - and for that he’s gone to Heaven

He came to our town For maybe an hour The streets all got swept And they planted some flowers Babies he kissed To the people he waved And he stopped At a Civil War General’s grave He struck just the right pose He hit just the right chord When he spoke of the family And then of the Lord He addressed the concerns Of the common man And he spoke of the glory Of this mighty land He had just the right color His smile was fixed His wardrobe assembled From a bagful of tricks He had gobs of make-up Caked on his face Starch in his collar Every hair was in place His wife stood beside him His daughter did too And behind them, a flag With the red, white, and blue Balloons from the rafters Fell to the floor Oh, Happy Days Were gonna be here once more He could sell you a war He could revoke your rights And still come off as your friend In the camera lights He’ll run negative ads If he has to to win He’ll go back on his word He’ll shed his old skin He said all the right words Quoted Bob Dylan songs He sounded hip Even though he quoted them wrong His closets were cleaned And his history revised So his record would be spotless To most people’s eyes I wasn’t touched By this guy in the least He was no savior Nor was he the beast I have to admit That they staged a good show It was all reminiscent Of four years ago He came to our town For maybe an hour The streets all got swept And they planted some flowers Babies he kissed To the people he waved And he stopped At a Civil War General’s grave And after an hour They whisked him away Things went back to normal Over two or three days The homeless returned To living outside And the flowers that got planted All wilted and died He came to our town For maybe an hour The streets all got swept And they planted some flowers

I love it in the country At night you can see stars You can pull somebody’s leg & tell ‘em “Look, there’s Mars” And they can pull your leg right back & tell you yeah they know And that that one there is Neptune Yeah that one hanging low I love it in the country When people wave hello When you’re driving by them People you don’t even know I can’t help but smile Where in the city maybe I could & as I head on down the road I can’t help feeling good I love it in the country Listening to the birds You sit out there long enough You start picking out the words I swear I heard what sounded like The Gettysburg Address From a little Lincoln Sparrow With a white patch on its breast I love it in the country There’s a different set of laws Where the only answer that you’ll get Sometimes is “just because” Where it’s do unto others And it’s live & let live You screw up on that stuff Folks are real slow to forgive I love it in the country The things that people say I might could write a book on it & I might just will some day Ask a simple question Somebody might bend your ear You ask for directions You can’t get there from here I love it in the country My neighbor raises sheep Pigs & cows & chickens On a hillside where it’s steep At night you ought to hear it When the bulls have been let out I lay in my bed thinking How I’m glad I’m not a cow And how I love it in the country At night you can see stars You can pull somebody’s leg & tell ‘em “Look, there’s Mars”

When you get off of the interstate When you get off of the interstate When you get to the end of the ramp Turn left & then go basically straight You’re gonna go several miles You’re gonna go several miles You might start to wonder after a while But you’re gonna go several miles You’ve gotta go over the gap You’ve gotta go over the gap You might not find it on just any old map You’ve got to go over the gap There’ll be a field of corn There’ll be a field of corn It’s at the end of that field of corn That is, if the weather’s warm Look for the 3rd dead cat It’s just past the 3rd dead cat Just past the one that’s especially flat It’s just past the 3rd dead cat Turn right at the gravel road Turn right at the gravel road Soon as you see it you’re just gonna know Turn right at the gravel road If you get to the church turn back If you get to the church turn back Do a U-turn if you get to the church The one with the historical plaque Go up & around the red shack Go up & around the red shack Take a look at what they’ve got out back As you go up & around the red shack Drive right through that pack of hounds Drive right through that pack of hounds They’ll all get up from their lying down To play chicken with you so don’t go around Now that gravel road’s gonna split That gravel road’s gonna split Keep left where the gravel road splits So you don’t go off in the ditch At all of the forks keep left At all of the forks keep left Don’t go right at any of the forks You might end up an unwelcome guest Brace yourself for the hill Brace yourself for the hill Take a deep breath & summon your will Brace yourself for the hill All the way to the top Go all the way to the top Don’t forget to breathe, put down your pop And whatever you do, don’t stop You’ll find the key on the ledge You’ll find the key on the ledge There’s wood on the porch, beer in the fridge You’ll find the key on the ledge It’s just past the 3rd dead cat It’s just past the 3rd dead cat The one that looks like a welcome mat It’s just past the 3rd dead cat

I was a restless kid I was a restless kid I’ll probably never mention Some of the things I did I was a restless kid On a slingshot I was good On a slingshot I was good There were some people Back in my neighborhood Who didn’t think I was so good I wasn’t nice to my sister I wasn’t nice to my sister Of all the people I’ve ever done wrong I can’t forget to list her I wasn’t nice to my sister I had a bb gun I had a bb gun I shot a friend of mine in the leg From her brother I still run I had a bb gun I was no teacher’s pet I was no teacher’s pet Substitutes especially Some might not have forgiven me yet I was no teacher’s pet I knew how to destroy I knew how to destroy I invented some new ways After all, I was a boy Who knew how to destroy I had a frisky pup I had a frisky pup I would do my homework And she would chew it up I had a frisky pup I can still taste the soap I can still taste the soap Irish Spring especially And the kind that came on a rope I can still taste the soap I was a restless kid I was a restless kid I’ll probably never come clean About some of the things I did I was a restless kid

September 23rd 19 Hundred & Eight Cubs against the Giants Giants at the plate Bridwell came to bat There were two outs & two on It was the bottom of the 9th The infield it was drawn Two weeks left in the season It was a classic pennant race The Giants had a one game lead And the Cubs were giving chase Polo Grounds were rocking Score was tied at one Moose McCormick was on 3rd base He was the winning run Which brings us to Fred Merkle Whose name would soon be cursed He was the other runner He took his lead off first Bridwell drilled a line-drive Out into right-center McCormick could’ve walked home And the Giants were the winners The Polo Grounds erupted Thousands rushed the field The players all ran for their lives Fans right on their heels & Merkle was halfway to second By the time McCormick scored But then Merkle made a bee-line Straight for the clubhouse door Now the door to the clubhouse Was in the outfield wall Merkle never did touch 2nd And the Cubs retrieved the ball The throw back to the infield Reached the wrong couple of hands & Giants coach McGinnity Threw the ball up in the stands And after a long deliberation The Ump ruled Merkle “out” It would take too long to clear the field Of the unruly crowd And since night games were unheard of then And it would soon be dark He called the game a 1 - 1 tie And would have to sneak away from the park Giants manager McGraw argued That this Rule 59 Never was enforced And so why should it be this time? But only two weeks earlier It ran on all the wires The same play happened to the Cubs And to the very same umpire But none of the New York papers Deemed the story fit to print And so it was that thanks to them Their team was ignorant But all throughout the Baseball world And elsewhere people knew it A runner has to touch his base And Merkle didn’t do it So the matter was turned over To the Baseball powers-that-be Who upheld the Ump’s decision & they ruled prophetically That if the season were to end With the Cubs & Giants tied They’d have to replay “The Merkle Game” So First Place could be decided Well, they replayed “The Merkle Game” And fee-fi-fo-fum... The Giants lost the pennant And Merkle was the bum The papers let him have it They gave it to him good They ran the kind of headlines That only New York papers could They dubbed him “Bonehead” Merkle They made up Merkle words One might “pull a Merkle” And “to Merkle” became a verb Some would yell “touch 2nd, Bonehead” When he stood on first Little kids yelled “moron” And the older kids much worse It haunted him his whole life Until 42 years later In front of 35,000 Former Merkle haters Back there at the Polo Grounds For an old-timers game There was a long standing ovation When they announced Fred Merkle’s name

“How beautiful she looks” - I heard people say “Her hair is majestic, perfect that way... Oh, what a looker she was in her day” And that’s how she’ll be remembered She picked out her casket, the music, the preacher The dress she would wear, and the highlights to feature The words on her headstone, and the silk underneath her And I promised I’d make her up pretty Her head in my hands, they were trembling so This hair that I combed, that would nevermore grow I put a bow at the end of the braid Keeping the promise I’d made “How beautiful she looks” - I heard people say “Her hair is majestic, perfect that way... Oh, what a looker she was in her day” And that’s how she’ll be remembered Why was she taken, so young, and this way? I doubt if I’ll learn before my dying day And who’ll do my hair, and who’ll make up my face... A stranger, or someone who knew me? “How beautiful she looks” - I heard people say “Her hair is majestic, perfect that way... Oh, what a looker she was in her day” And that’s how she’ll be remembered

Hey, isn’t that so-and-so? Over there at the table Isn’t she the head of Such-and-Such Productions? Sitting there with what’s his name From what’s that record label? Excuse me while I make my introductions Schmoozing, schmoozing Check out the smooth technique I’m using Schmoozing, schmoozing Smiling, shaking hands, and boozing Everyone who’s anyone & others not invited Were gathered for the party by the pool I’m a friend of so and so’s That’s all I had to say They said any friend of so and so’s was cool So I’m schmoozing - schmoozing Watch me work the room, I’m cruising Schmoozing, schmoozing Smiling, shaking hands, and boozing Your name tag’s flipped around How can I tell if you’re important? General pleasantries I will exchange with you My cheek muscles are tired How ‘bout that rain we had last night? I heard there was a chance of rain this evening too Schmoozing, schmoozing Remembering all these names is so confusing Schmoozing, schmoozing Smiling, shaking hands, and boozing Have you tried the bean dip? And who’s party is this? And is everyone a songwriter here? Who’s the big cheese over there Everybody’s sucking up to? And hey, man, where’d you get the beer? Schmoozing, schmoozing I wonder whose expense account they’re using Schmoozing, schmoozing Smiling, shaking hands, and boozing

40 years of Jack Williams Y’ mean you can turn out like that? Not too big for your britches? And not too big for your hat? Let me tell you about Jack Williams He’s got at least 500 songs Now some of ‘em might end a little too soon But not a one of ‘em is too long 40 years of Jack Williams Traveling all around You might not have ever heard of him But I betcha he’s played your town 40 years of Jack Williams Y’ mean you can turn out like that? Not too big for your britches? And not too big for your hat? Mel Bay would’ve been jealous Jack would’ve done him proud He probably knows a lot more chords Than ought to be allowed One time Dickie Betts was down Nursing a broken hand So Jack that night played lead guitar In the Allman Brothers Band 40 years of Jack Williams Y’ mean you can turn out like that? Not too big for your britches? And not too big for your hat? 40 years of Jack Williams Man, that says a lot I like him both for who he is And as much for who he’s not No leather jacket, no rhinestones No make-up on his lips He surely ain’t no dancing fool Wiggling his hips And something else about Jack Williams He’s a gentleman through and through As Southern as a whippoorwill And boiled peanuts too 40 years of Jack Williams Y’ mean you can turn out like that? Not too big for your britches? And not too big for your hat? 40 years of Jack Williams He’s made the best of friends All along his travels Everywhere he’s been And on the Edisto River These friends from far and wide Gathered for to pick & grin And to eat & to be outside Celebrating 40 years of Jack Williams A man I’m glad to know We’ve had our conversations Then it was time to go 40 years of Jack Williams Y’ mean you can turn out like that? Not too big for your britches? And not too big for your hat?